i have no excuse.

I have completely forgotten about this blog and I feel horrible. My computer got a virus and I sent it to my friends dad to get it fixed and when I got it back I had to download google chrome because firefox wouldn't work and this was saved as a bookmark in firefox. Anyways, enough excuses. Time to get down to business.

My life in a nutshell right now? Crazy. I was running back and forth because of drama (the club kind) and it was hectic. I had two rehearsals every day till seven after school. The first was for Voices of the Titanic and the second was for Steel Magnolias which we took to Spartanburg for competition. Now that I'm done with that, I have a little more time on my hands.

I also have college stuff to worry about. My application for

University of South Carolina is due the first of December, and since money is tight, I have to wait till that exact day to submit it. Funny thing is, they didn't ask for an essay. Weird right? Also, my dad and I got into a fight because he said that he sees no reason on paying for the application when I can't go there anyways since we can't afford it. That launched a big argument like always.

One word; JOB. That dreadful thing that every high school student is looking for. I need to get one, but I have no time to look for one. My dad is always telling me I need to get one, but he also tells me he can't take me anywhere starting in January because he has to work. That man always contradicts himself.

School. It sucks. One thing that gets me through THAT day is my friends. I always go to school with a smile on my face because they are there. Especially Shannon; aka: starkidshannon. (: (i suggest you see A Very Potter Musical if you wanna understand that. :P) She is hilarious.

So theres this boy; and he makes me smile all the time (:. I'm not go

ing to name names right now, but he's adorable and I see us going somewhere. We talk everyday and conversation is just easy around us. I'm not shy or anything like I normally am when I'm around guys. (: It's like hes a friend, that I am romantically connected with, which is what most people look for in a relationship. Who knew the girl who said she doesn't want a relationship, is actually hoping this will become one? (:

What else can I tell you? Theres the fact that I got my license (:. I drive to school most of the time, except the days my dad has to work. I can't wait till May when I can start driving full ti

me. Also, my birthday is in five days! I can vote, get into a club, play the lottery, smoke, buy and star in porn. :P haha. Oh! I can also now buy things on those infomercials. (: You know? Those commercials that say "You must be eighteen or older to call"? Yep. I can call now (:. I'm also a year past being allowed to do magic. Do you know how happy that makes me?! haha. Well, that's all that I can think of so why don't I grace you with a picture? (:

(isn't that hilarious? If you can't read the caption it says "What kind of name is Phoebe Cho?")

Peace, Love, and those random things you find in your pocket,

Ashley (:

oh wow; its been a while (:

Honestly, I completely forgot about my blog. Between school and job hunting there wasn't really any time. This is why I am writing this at 12:30 on a saturday night. :P

School started monday. What a load of fun that was. Note the sarcasm. High school is never fun, let alone being in a new school for your senior year. My classes are pretty cool. First I have government/econ. Let me tell you, my teacher is a government nazi. If you don't do things his way, you don't get credit. We have to put the title of the notes or homework at the top on the left and the date at the top right. The title has to be highlighted and the whole thing needs to be in question and answer format. Crazy, I know. Second period, I have computer programming where I have to walk all the way across a huge campus to get to. The teacher is pretty chill and I like computers so I think I'll have a fun time in this class. Plus, I sit beside complete stoners and behind this really cute senior with a deep voice. :P I think I'll get along just fine in this class. (: Third, I have spanish two. This is an okay class. I have lunch this period and sit with this guy named Matt and every other day with this girl named Kathrine. Funny part about this class, my teacher is a white lady from Clemson. :P Imagine learning spanish from a country chick. I think it's hilarious. But I really like my teacher so no hating on me making fun of her. :P Finally, I have my favorite class of the day: English four. It's not my favorite because of the subject, but because of the people in it. I sit beside this buff black football player from Jersey named Nate and this really funny girl named Christy. Together, we're cracking up the whole class. Another plus, cute skater boy across the room that sparks my yellow fever. (;

So far, I like school. I thought I would hate it, because I loved New Jersey, but it seems okay. I doubt I'm going to get my asian, or any other guy for that matter, but I'm okay with that. (: I'm looking forward to just ending this year with a bang and then going to whatever college that accepts me. (:

On another note, I went to the pool today to get some sun since I am unbelieveably pale for a half Puerto Rican, and my face got burnt even though there was no sun outside. :/ I got tanner but still am burnt on my face. I'm hoping to go out again tomorrow and take full advantage of this pool in my apartment complex after I go food shopping with my dad. (:

Other other note, I feel like I am finally happy. After six years of being an emotionless shell of a person, I feel like I finally have some happiness and good feelings. Yes, I need a job and my license, but those are things I can get by without. I'm finally done with family drama, guys who could care less about my feelings, trying to figure out what my feelings are, and any other drama that was in my life. I'm finally starting to be a teenage girl.

Other other other note, I got a camera! (: haha It's my early birthday present. It's a Nikon Coolpix L22. Not exactly the camera I was expecting/wanting, but I love it all the same. Maybe my love for photography will finally take off into something. I've been taking pictures left and right when I can and can't wait to see how they actually turn out.

Other other other other note, I'm exhausted and need a well deserved sleep. Being a female high school senior with as much drama as a soap opera its exhausting! (;

Love and sweet dreams,
Ashley (:

i honestly dont know why im doing this at 1:30 in the morning.

Song I'm currently listening to: Disconnected by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I haven't done one of these in a while, so I felt that I kinda owed one.

(This picture is one of my favorites, though I am a Mets fan.)

Today/last night was uneventful as always. Besides the fight my dad and I had (again) at the dinner table. I was another family meal, where everyone was sitting at the table and we were talking about the loan for college that my brother was just granted. My dad then said that he would sign for one for me as well and then he had to ruin it by saying "but I won't as long as you keep wanting to-" and I cut him off with a sharp "I don't want to hear it" he kept going on and I just got up from the table and cleared my plate into the trash and went into my room. This is a constant battle that my father and I have that is never going to be resolved until I actually go to college and get away from this hell hole.

Another thing. I was told that "New Jersey corrupted you. You spent too much time with those hoity-toity people" by my dad earlier because I preferred the book store over the library. I'm sorry for actually wanting to keep the book that I'm reading.

He just pisses me off all the time. People say that I'm going to regret saying it when I'm older, but honestly I don't think so. My brother is twenty one years old and still has resentment towards my father. It's like it pleases him that people are pissed off at him but he acts like they have undying love for him.


Off my resentment towards my father, schools starting soon. On the nineteenth I have to go to this orientation for new kids. The counselor told me that the school has over a hundred new transfers. Not freshman, but people who are in high school but moving to this school. That's crazy. She also told me that this school wasn't filled with a lot of people. So that's good. My old school was filled with people, my claustrophobia kicked in a lot. I hated being in the hallways. Let's hope here its different.
I'm back on the block schedule at this school, which puts all my plans to switch back to my old school down the tubes. I hate the block schedule. I cant sit still for forty five minutes let alone ninety. But whatever. New year, new me.

I tried dying my hair to get rid of all the streaks that the old color left, and got most of them out besides a few on my bangs and honestly I like it. (: Anyways, if I dye my hair anymore, it's going to be darker than the computer I'm typing on. (which is a black compaq presario. :P)

I think I should go to bed now seeing as its already one thirty and I went to bed at three last night and my dad keeps getting on me for sleeping past twelve. :P

Peace, love, and whatever gets you going through the day,
Ashley/Carolynah (:

i honestly don't know what to title this.

So, today I went and registered for my new school. Finally. Then we went to Walmart Eye Center to get an appointment for me to get contacts which is at eleven freaking thirty tomorrow morning. I'm not even up at that time regularly. We then went to Best Buy to get a wireless printer and I got shot down, yet again, for a new camera. Then when I got home I got into yet another fight with my dad about my computer and how nothing opens up and he said I needed to download this new virus software that he bought, but there was one problem: my computer wouldn't open the software to download it. He got mad saying that I needed to delete all the stuff that I don't use on my computer but I argued with him that my computer won't let me open the software to delete stuff off my computer. He yelled at me and asked for the CD saying that I better get a job if I want my computer to be fixed. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. Earlier today I had the intense craving for Tyson chicken nuggets so when Matt (my brother) came into my room (I still cant believe I actually have one! (:)asking if I wanted to go to Walmart, I just had to go. :P So while I was watching Psych with my family, I got to casually munch on some tasty chicken nuggets. (:


In other news, I've been trying to write a book for a while. Most people know this. I've started two (with two completely ideas) and I have the idea for another one in my head. I just can't seem to get my ideas straight. That's why my fanfiction has gone untouched for who knows how long. I keep trying to write another chapter and I can't get the words down to form my ideas. This is really bothering me. All my life I've been a writer. Though most of my stories aren't well written, it was something that made me happy when I was upset. So, you can understand why this upsets me. But I think I'm back! I'm going to start a new story on my fanfiction, I'ts not going to be like my other one, but I think I, and my followers are going to like it. I'm starting the first page now and I'll see where it goes.


Peace and Love,
Ashley/Carolina (:

Void. Void of emotion. Void of thought. Void of everything.

I have just finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and I honestly don't know how to feel. This is my second time reading it and I think this time I came out much more affected. I honestly don't know what to feel at this time. This is a story that has affected my life for the past twelve years. I have followed this story from the beginning and as I attempted to put this amazing book in the box I am currently storing all my other books in, it felt like it didn't belong there, like it should be somewhere else. This book is a symbol of my childhood, as it is I assume, for many others. My father and I would have the tradition of going and seeing every movie that came out on my birthday, seeing as it is in November. This tradition was passed on to my now best friend. We went and saw the Halfblood Prince for my seventeenth birthday at midnight on its premiere, because that would be the time that I could legally do magic.

This story has not only captivated my heart, but many others. Children, adults, muggles, and even wizards have enjoyed the heroic attempts of one Harry Potter. The tale of one young boy, whom has had nothing, overcame everything, even death.

It upsets me to know that this tale is over. But it makes me happy to know that I can pass this on to my children, that is if I have any. This can be passed down through generations just like Harry's cloak was passed on from his father. I will, with great pleasure, pass this story down through my many generations. (:

Does this really need a title? (:

It doesn't hurt
But when I think of you
And all the things we'll
Never get to do
I don't dream at night about the way we were
I tore out the pictures, cross out all the words

Don't be fooled by all my tears,
Cause everything is fine
And you can pick up all the pieces
That you left behind

Cause I never think about you
I'm better off without you
I don't miss you at all
I don't miss you at all
You don't spin around in my head
It's like you never existed
And I hope you don't call
I don't miss you at all
And I'm not trying to fight it
No, I'm not trying to fight it
So you can cross my name right
off the wall
I don't miss you at all

I go out seven nights a week
It feels so good to finally be free
And I party like I never did before
Oh, what in the world was I waiting for?
Everything is perfect now
Without you in my life
You could pick up all the pieces
that you left behind

Cause I never think about you
I'm better off without you
I don't miss you at all
I don't miss you at all
You don't spin around in my head
It's like you never existed
And I hope you don't call
I don't miss you at all
And I'm not trying to fight it
No, I'm not trying to fight it
So you can cross my name right
off the wall
I don't miss you at all
I don't miss you at all

I'll just tell myself
Girl forget the past
No time for regrets
No more looking back
I'll forget you more
Every single day
Every step I take
Is getting better.

I Don't Miss You At All by Selena Gomez

^I was listening to this song today as I was doing the dishes and it hit me that this was the perfect song to describe what I'm going through. After I posted that other blog about me giving up that boy, I actually slept well that night. And if you really knew me, that's something that's not a common occurrence. But anyways, it really hit me. I don't miss him as much as I thought I would. It's more like I'm going to miss the fun times that we had as friends more. I really like this more independent me. It gives me a new perspective on life. I'm not constantly comparing every guy I see to him, I'm actually seeing them for who they are. Though, most of the guys I do tend to check out are exactly like him, but that's besides the point. That's the type of guy I like, and I've liked them before I met him. I just thought I'd share this revelation with you guys before I went to bed and forgot it. (:

College.

The word means many options for many graduating seniors. Well, not for this senior. Most students have a whole list of colleges that they want to go to and apply to. I sadly, don't have that option. With financial problems in my family, there's only a select colleges that I can actually afford to go to. Most of those being community colleges. The first choice I want to go to is Montclair State in Montclair, New Jersey. But sadly, there is no way I am going to this college. Yes, I can get in with my grades, but seeing as how I live with a stubborn-as-hell father there is no way of me actually attending this school. You see, my dad has some sort of grudge against the state in general. Why, I can't seem to understand. Every time he says "that state sucks" and I ask exactly how he simply replies "it just does." So, when I told him that my number one school, one that I can actually get into with my grades and low SAT score (I have a 3.49 GPA but sadly got a 1510 on my SAT, coincidentally being my fathers fault because we got into a fight right before my SAT), he told me "good luck getting in without financial aid because I'm not signing for anything that has to do with that state." He wants me to go to Coastal Carolina College which is right here in the state I didn't want to move to in the first place, so why would I want to go to a college there? I don't see this as fair. This is the only college I feel that I could really fit in at, and the one I feel that I can actually learn at. Plus, its in the one place that I actually felt at home in; New Jersey. So, why shouldn't I be able to go to the college I want? Why shouldn't I be allowed to be happy? This doesn't make sense and it makes me utterly sad to know that I won't get the kind of support that most high school seniors get from their parents.

Why do I love wings so much?

This is a question that a lot of people seem to ask me and I never know the answer. The thing I want most is to get a tattoo of wings on my shoulder blades with the lyrics "even if saving you sends me to heaven" from the song Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus above them. Something like this: But without the Maximum Ride logo. Or this:
But without the stitches.

Anyways, back to what I was saying. I finally know the answer to the question people are always asking me; and it came to me as I was sitting on my bed watching Forrest Gump.
I was watching the scene where Jenny and Forrest are hiding in the corn stalks from Jenny's father. Jenny gets on her knees and asks Forrest to pray with her. "Dear God," she says. "Make me a bird, so I can fly far. Far far away from here." and this is where it hit me. All my life I've been wanting to run. Get somewhere far away from my problems. Whether it be from a bully, my parents, my life, love, or anything that simply scares me. With wings, I can simply take off in the slight chance of danger.
Birds also don't have to worry about where they have been. They can simply pick themselves up, spread their wings, and fly off into the distance, not once looking back. I've always liked traveling as well. I guess that's why moving so much doesn't bother me as much as it would some other person. The only reason why I was so upset about moving this time, is that I thought I was in love and I thought I actually had a life there. But those things can be mended. My heart can be put back together and given somebody else to love. I can create a new live with goals and new friends.
So essentially what I'm rambling about is that it's a symbol of me being scared. I was scared of my past in North Carolina, so I ran. I was scared of actually trusting someone and being in love with someone, so I ran. I was scared of my feelings, so I ran. All I do is run. With wings, I can finally soar and not have to be scared. Fear is something that I don't deal well with. I am normally a person that hides their feelings well, but this is one emotion that I cant hide no matter how much I try.
So, for everyone who asked and will ask in the future, essentially the reason why I love wings so much. It signifies one of my greatest flaws. The fact that I always run when I'm scared and the fact that most times when I run, I want to keep going and not come back. As soon as I graduate, I've always told myself that I am going to get as far away from my parents that I can. Now I realize that I'm thinking about doing this for the wrong reason. Before I wanted to run because I can't stand my parents. But now I realize, I want to leave so I can leave the nest and go see the world. I still can't stand my parents, but what teenager doesn't?

With peace and love,
Ashley/Carolynah.

new me.

ive decided that im not going to let this boy run my life. after a lengthy conversation on the phone from a really good friend that i had to leave behind in jersey when i moved, i realized theres really nothing i can do with this guy anyways. im hundreds of miles away and hes sitting there with his girlfriend looking all nice and pretty, well, in a way that they can. i realized that i have to suck up whatever feelings that ive had for him and just throw them away because he was a complete ass and i really dont need him in my life. all my friends were right when they told me that moving on was the best thing. i dont think i should have spent that day with him before i moved because it just made everything worse then it really could have been. we could have kept what we were doing, just ignoring each other and not talk to the other and everything would have been fine. so essentially this whole fiasco of my heart is my fault because i was the stupid one that texted him that one day apologizing for what has been going on for the past year and a half.

but not anymore. im becoming a new me. well not a new me, just an improved one. i cant let him get in the way of how i interact with other guys. im going to a new school this year and i will be a senior. this is my chance to shine. i can be anybody who i want to be. and i choose to be someone who doesnt let a past 'love' get in the way of her dating as many guys as she wants. im taking charge of my heart and if he doesnt give back the sliver that i gave him, well screw him. i dont need him and i could do much better without him.

love life sucks. :/

At least mine does. I texted the guy who I said broke my heart last night because he wasn't answering any of my texts so I texted him calling him an asshole saying that I was tired of all his bullshit and he texted me back saying he didn't know who was texting him. I told him it was me and he asked what he did to make me mad and then said that his phone wasn't working so he switched to his old phone and didn't get my new number. I said that I thought he was ignoring me and then said that that would be why. We ended up talking the rest of the night and then he told me that he was sorry about his texts being delayed because he was drinking with some of his friends. A couple minutes later he asked me hy we never got together and if I had ever liked him. I made the excuse that people don't comprehend well when they're drunk and that we should talk in the morning. In reality, I was just scared of telling him how I really feel, which is how we got into the predicament in the first place. So here I am, at three thirty in the afternoon the next day and he still hasn't texted me. I have no clue what to do and this is how I got my heart broken in the first place. :/

just another typical day (:

But I did switch it up by typing in Arial. (:

Today, I spent most of the day putting up my posers and little momentos that I have up on the wall my bed is against. This took all of like four hours and I'm still not finished.

I woke up at around eleven thirty and ended up watching Dogs 101. I found interesting things about Boston terriers, Basset hounds, Shar-Pei, and St. Bernards. This is what my days consist of. I obtain random facts about nothing and sit on my booty.

Then I got up and made some toast (my favorite snack in the world) and watched the rest of American Pie: The Naked Mile that was on Comedy Central and then decided to watch American Pie: Beta House that I downloaded the other day.

After that I started working on my wall. I sorted out all the posters that I have and then decided what goes where. In case you haven't noticed, I have an extreme case of OCD on some things. My closet is color coded. Speaking of which, my brother and I currently share a closet and you can tell who's side is who's. Mine is the neatly color coded one with everything in it's place, and my brothers is the one with everything stewn about not caring where anything goes.

While I did that, I found out that a couple of my friends are coming to the tourist trap that I call a home. So, I plan on spending some time with them since I haven't seen them in almost two years.

With me being my OCD self, I ate dinner (my dad noticing the fact that my brother and I both eat our meals in sections) and then took a shower some time around seven. I called my wall quits for the day and decided to watch Disney Channel for a few episoded and currently I am watching The Da Vinci Code while typing this.


The reason why I am telling you about my day? It's the only thing I can think of to vent my anger at this one certain person. A boy to be exact. The same boy I vented about in my last post. More on that story later.

New house, new school, and... new blog i guess?

Yeah. I figured that since I had moved into a new state and a new house that it would be easier to vent my new stresses in a technological way instead of doing something stupid like throwing a ball at the wall or something. Like today for instance, I have been so upset about moving to a new place that I sat in my room all day and read a book while watching tv. Not the healthiest way for a teenager to vent her stress. I guess I should be happy about a new start and not put so much unneeded stress upon myself, but I felt that I was finally starting to be happy in my old school/state/home. I had plenty of friends, I was in the Drama Club, and my life was finally starting to get better. Then, as my uncle would say, 'the shit hit the fan'. Life started going down hill. The one guy I felt that I could be happy with ended up breaking my heart, my dad and I started fighting more and more and I started doing everything I could to get out of the house, money was a huge problem, the police were involved in my life on one too many occasions, and everything felt bad. I haven't cried in over four years, but in the last few months, I've been crying myself to sleep almost every night.
But this blog isn't about that. I'm creating this blog so I can vent about my everyday stress and not have people yell at me for 'complaining'.

So here it is: I'm seventeen, I currently live hundreds of miles away from my one true home, my facebook is and always will be set in pirate language, I read comic books, my friends call me carolynah, I am always wearing bright colors, my laugh is the most obnoxious thing in the world, feet gross me out, my best friends are the world to me, I'm addicted to toast, I read fanfiction, I laugh at the most random times even when things arn't funny, when I'm tired I tend to get "bubbly", I collect snapple caps, I have insomnia, I think tattoos are sexy and I want one or more, I listen to country and rock music, my stomach makes weird noises in the middle of the night, I love peace signs, I love making weird faces, I love the sound of giggles, I tend to hold grudges, I'm the sweetest b!tch you will ever meet, I want to learn to play the guitar, someday I want to move to Australia, my favorite food ever is Chinese, I want to be a forensic scientist, I don't want to get married, I adore wings, I don't want to have kids, my brother is one of my best friends, I tend to talk loud when I get a surge of emotion, in general I am a loud person, don't piss me off because when I get mad I tend to throw things; most of them being punches, I love reading, writing is my escape, I love cars, my computer will always have like fifty tabs open, I am also addicted to twizzlers, I one day dream to own a Koenigsegg CCX, I've always wanted to learn how to skateboard, I'm afraid of big knives, I love to shop, I hardly ever wear makeup, I'm addicted to minesweeper and solitaire, I hate the color pink, my favorite number is eleven, I am very active the charity To Write Love On Her Arms, I love swimming, my favorite color is orange, BASICALLY; im hard to figure out, so please don't label me as something when im just being myself. oh, and my names Ashley, but you can call me Carolynah.