This is a question that a lot of people seem to ask me and I never know the answer. The thing I want most is to get a tattoo of wings on my shoulder blades with the lyrics "even if saving you sends me to heaven" from the song Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus above them. Something like this: 
But without the Maximum Ride logo. Or this:
But without the stitches.
Anyways, back to what I was saying. I finally know the answer to the question people are always asking me; and it came to me as I was sitting on my bed watching Forrest Gump.
I was watching the scene where Jenny and Forrest are hiding in the corn stalks from Jenny's father. Jenny gets on her knees and asks Forrest to pray with her. "Dear God," she says. "Make me a bird, so I can fly far. Far far away from here." and this is where it hit me. All my life I've been wanting to run. Get somewhere far away from my problems. Whether it be from a bully, my parents, my life, love, or anything that simply scares me. With wings, I can simply take off in the slight chance of danger.
Birds also don't have to worry about where they have been. They can simply pick themselves up, spread their wings, and fly off into the distance, not once looking back. I've always liked traveling as well. I guess that's why moving so much doesn't bother me as much as it would some other person. The only reason why I was so upset about moving this time, is that I thought I was in love and I thought I actually had a life there. But those things can be mended. My heart can be put back together and given somebody else to love. I can create a new live with goals and new friends.
So essentially what I'm rambling about is that it's a symbol of me being scared. I was scared of my past in North Carolina, so I ran. I was scared of actually trusting someone and being in love with someone, so I ran. I was scared of my feelings, so I ran. All I do is run. With wings, I can finally soar and not have to be scared. Fear is something that I don't deal well with. I am normally a person that hides their feelings well, but this is one emotion that I cant hide no matter how much I try.
So, for everyone who asked and will ask in the future, essentially the reason why I love wings so much. It signifies one of my greatest flaws. The fact that I always run when I'm scared and the fact that most times when I run, I want to keep going and not come back. As soon as I graduate, I've always told myself that I am going to get as far away from my parents that I can. Now I realize that I'm thinking about doing this for the wrong reason. Before I wanted to run because I can't stand my parents. But now I realize, I want to leave so I can leave the nest and go see the world. I still can't stand my parents, but what teenager doesn't?
With peace and love,
Ashley/Carolynah.
ive decided that im not going to let this boy run my life. after a lengthy conversation on the phone from a really good friend that i had to leave behind in jersey when i moved, i realized theres really nothing i can do with this guy anyways. im hundreds of miles away and hes sitting there with his girlfriend looking all nice and pretty, well, in a way that they can. i realized that i have to suck up whatever feelings that ive had for him and just throw them away because he was a complete ass and i really dont need him in my life. all my friends were right when they told me that moving on was the best thing. i dont think i should have spent that day with him before i moved because it just made everything worse then it really could have been. we could have kept what we were doing, just ignoring each other and not talk to the other and everything would have been fine. so essentially this whole fiasco of my heart is my fault because i was the stupid one that texted him that one day apologizing for what has been going on for the past year and a half.
but not anymore. im becoming a new me. well not a new me, just an improved one. i cant let him get in the way of how i interact with other guys. im going to a new school this year and i will be a senior. this is my chance to shine. i can be anybody who i want to be. and i choose to be someone who doesnt let a past 'love' get in the way of her dating as many guys as she wants. im taking charge of my heart and if he doesnt give back the sliver that i gave him, well screw him. i dont need him and i could do much better without him.
At least mine does. I texted the guy who I said broke my heart last night because he wasn't answering any of my texts so I texted him calling him an asshole saying that I was tired of all his bullshit and he texted me back saying he didn't know who was texting him. I told him it was me and he asked what he did to make me mad and then said that his phone wasn't working so he switched to his old phone and didn't get my new number. I said that I thought he was ignoring me and then said that that would be why. We ended up talking the rest of the night and then he told me that he was sorry about his texts being delayed because he was drinking with some of his friends. A couple minutes later he asked me hy we never got together and if I had ever liked him. I made the excuse that people don't comprehend well when they're drunk and that we should talk in the morning. In reality, I was just scared of telling him how I really feel, which is how we got into the predicament in the first place. So here I am, at three thirty in the afternoon the next day and he still hasn't texted me. I have no clue what to do and this is how I got my heart broken in the first place. :/
But I did switch it up by typing in Arial. (:
Today, I spent most of the day putting up my posers and little momentos that I have up on the wall my bed is against. This took all of like four hours and I'm still not finished.
I woke up at around eleven thirty and ended up watching Dogs 101. I found interesting things about Boston terriers, Basset hounds, Shar-Pei, and St. Bernards. This is what my days consist of. I obtain random facts about nothing and sit on my booty.
Then I got up and made some toast (my favorite snack in the world) and watched the rest of American Pie: The Naked Mile that was on Comedy Central and then decided to watch American Pie: Beta House that I downloaded the other day.
After that I started working on my wall. I sorted out all the posters that I have and then decided what goes where. In case you haven't noticed, I have an extreme case of OCD on some things. My closet is color coded. Speaking of which, my brother and I currently share a closet and you can tell who's side is who's. Mine is the neatly color coded one with everything in it's place, and my brothers is the one with everything stewn about not caring where anything goes.
While I did that, I found out that a couple of my friends are coming to the tourist trap that I call a home. So, I plan on spending some time with them since I haven't seen them in almost two years.
With me being my OCD self, I ate dinner (my dad noticing the fact that my brother and I both eat our meals in sections) and then took a shower some time around seven. I called my wall quits for the day and decided to watch Disney Channel for a few episoded and currently I am watching The Da Vinci Code while typing this.
The reason why I am telling you about my day? It's the only thing I can think of to vent my anger at this one certain person. A boy to be exact. The same boy I vented about in my last post. More on that story later.
Yeah. I figured that since I had moved into a new state and a new house that it would be easier to vent my new stresses in a technological way instead of doing something stupid like throwing a ball at the wall or something. Like today for instance, I have been so upset about moving to a new place that I sat in my room all day and read a book while watching tv. Not the healthiest way for a teenager to vent her stress. I guess I should be happy about a new start and not put so much unneeded stress upon myself, but I felt that I was finally starting to be happy in my old school/state/home. I had plenty of friends, I was in the Drama Club, and my life was finally starting to get better. Then, as my uncle would say, 'the shit hit the fan'. Life started going down hill. The one guy I felt that I could be happy with ended up breaking my heart, my dad and I started fighting more and more and I started doing everything I could to get out of the house, money was a huge problem, the police were involved in my life on one too many occasions, and everything felt bad. I haven't cried in over four years, but in the last few months, I've been crying myself to sleep almost every night.But this blog isn't about that. I'm creating this blog so I can vent about my everyday stress and not have people yell at me for 'complaining'.
So here it is: I'm seventeen, I currently live hundreds of miles away from my one true home, my facebook is and always will be set in pirate language, I read comic books, my friends call me carolynah, I am always wearing bright colors, my laugh is the most obnoxious thing in the world, feet gross me out, my best friends are the world to me, I'm addicted to toast, I read fanfiction, I laugh at the most random times even when things arn't funny, when I'm tired I tend to get "bubbly", I collect snapple caps, I have insomnia, I think tattoos are sexy and I want one or more, I listen to country and rock music, my stomach makes weird noises in the middle of the night, I love peace signs, I love making weird faces, I love the sound of giggles, I tend to hold grudges, I'm the sweetest b!tch you will ever meet, I want to learn to play the guitar, someday I want to move to Australia, my favorite food ever is Chinese, I want to be a forensic scientist, I don't want to get married, I adore wings, I don't want to have kids, my brother is one of my best friends, I tend to talk loud when I get a surge of emotion, in general I am a loud person, don't piss me off because when I get mad I tend to throw things; most of them being punches, I love reading, writing is my escape, I love cars, my computer will always have like fifty tabs open, I am also addicted to twizzlers, I one day dream to own a Koenigsegg CCX, I've always wanted to learn how to skateboard, I'm afraid of big knives, I love to shop, I hardly ever wear makeup, I'm addicted to minesweeper and solitaire, I hate the color pink, my favorite number is eleven, I am very active the charity To Write Love On Her Arms, I love swimming, my favorite color is orange, BASICALLY; im hard to figure out, so please don't label me as something when im just being myself. oh, and my names Ashley, but you can call me Carolynah.
But without the Maximum Ride logo. Or this:
